Dear Samantha,
Your 2nd birthday has come and gone, so has the birthday preparation and celebration. Now I have no excuse but to face the question I failed to answer for the past two years. Do I want to go back to work? For two years when friends and acquaintances asked me do I plan to go back to work? I answered them, wait till you are two for you needed me to be your hands and voice the first two years. For two years, I watched you assert your independence a little more each day and learn to express your needs and feelings better and in more words. You are now a friendly and expressive two-year old ready to mingle with your peers. The truth is you do not need me less but I need to learn to let go. You may not need me to carry you around all the time but you still need plenty of hugs and a pair of watchful eyes to steer you away from dangers. You may find playmates more fun to be with than tagging along with me when I do chores or run errands, but you still enjoy our story times together. I enjoy being with you so much that all my past goals and ambitions have taken the back seat to full-time motherhood. Being your mother is the proudest and sweetest thing I've ever experienced, enough to derail my pursuit of my own dreams because I am happy just being your mom.
Why do I have to work? Why can't I enjoy motherhood wholeheartedly and unadulteratedly? Well, my heart is full but my mind is empty. Taking a two-year time off had relaxed not only my body but my mind as well. Not only did I put on pounds from inactiveness but my wits dulled and my language skill retarded. Not that I don't enjoy the giggles and goo-goo's and making up nonsense words in a conversation with you, or the hugging, the cuddling while watching Sesame Streets TV with you or reading you your favorite stories. Those sweet moments made up the most of the past two years. But not every moment can be remembered with a smile. When your are fussy and I lost my patience or when I am tired and cannot give you the full attention you wanted, my frustration surfaces and I need something else to hang on to, something to affirm me as an individual. I am not just your mother. Long before you were born, I had wanted to be someone and do something. In fact, I have not at all thought about being a mother when I was young. I thought about owning my own shop. I thought about writing a romance novel. I thought about being famous but never a mom. Being your mom came naturally and I love it. Being all those other things takes time and hard work and discipline. I am frustrated because I have not put in the time nor the work and discipline needed to be that someone. As hard as it may be, I have to do it. For I want you to have a chance to reach your full potential and to explore the world on your own term as an independent woman with independent means. How can I persuade you better than show you by example.
For the past two years I have entertained various ideas of working at home, with the main objective to be close to you if and when I work. I knew it in my heart that my priority had long changed. I am no longer the competitive young woman who would dwell in cubicles and work long hours climbing the corporate ladder. I am now a proud mother approaching her fortieth who enjoy watching you grow more than anything else. Working at home is not easy. A day easily passes without accomplishing much. There are loads of laundry to do, meals to prepare and of course there are your little nudges for stories or picture drawing. There are also errands to run and groceries to buy. The projects I've planned out to do a year ago have not expanded from the outline phase. I must admit working at home is harder than I expected. The hardest part is discipline. There are too many distractions and not enough motivation. Even the quarterly deadline of updating this web site slipped twice in the past two years. I realize now choosing not to go back to the corporate world means I have to put in extra effort managing my time and paving my own road. The effort is worthwhile when you call for me and run to me after you nap time and I am there with open arms to catch you.
It is an easy choice to make though I am taking a tougher route to fulfill my dream. To ease the heart's burden takes the hard exercise of the mind. For you, Samantha, I will work harder than ever to first be your mom and then be the independent woman that you'd be proud of. There is no time frame nor financial burden to push me but your ever curious mind absorbing every movement I make. No expectation to guide me but your well being and my promise to you to live by examples. No goal to reach but following my heart and being the perfect mother you deserve. It's a tough assignment I am giving myself and I gladly accept the challenge.
Ah-ma's Festival CookingThe 2nd day of the Chinese New Year is when the married daughter visiting her maiden family bringing gifts and good wishes. It was one of my favorite days for we got to eat at Ah-ma's. Ah-ma, that's what I called my maternal Grandmother. She and I did not have much to talk about, language barrier: She spoke Taiwanese and Japanese but I was brought up in Mandarin. But I sure enjoyed her cooking and she knew it. Every time we visited she'd make my favorite foods: deep fried vegetable balls, steamed chicken, and spring roll wraps.
We'd only started to visit Ah-ma's when I was in my teens when the friction between my mother and her family smoothed out naturally over time. Mom was practically disowned by her Taiwanese family when she married my father, a Mainlander. Mom spoke fluent Mandarin and since she hardly had any contact with her own family, she spoke to us only in Mandarin. It's a shame I never got to pick up her mother tongue. Time does heal things. Mom and her family eventually did reconcile and we started visiting with Ah-ma often. Mom visited for she and Ah-ma had a lot of catching up to do. For me the journey was more gastronomical than anything else. When mom helped out Ah-ma in the kitchen and carried on their conversation in Taiwanese, though I could understand quite a lot of what they were saying I could not inject any word intelligently, nor was it my place to. I was preoccupied with the food anyway. Usually mom would give me something to do with my hands, skinning the potatoes, shelling the peas or working the wrapper iron. The wrapper iron has an electrically heated metal surface that's kept warm and when you drip flour mixture liquid over it, a thin film forms immediately and I got to peel off the film. Each thin film makes a fresh sheet of spring roll wrapper. For each wrapper made, I folded it into quarter of a circle and fanned them out in a tray.
It's time to make Spring Roll Wraps. Ah-ma brought out trays of bean sprouts, shredded carrots, cucumbers, bean curds, cilantro and crushed peanuts. I unfolded one sheet of wrapper, laid it out on my plate, heaped the vegetables to the center of the wrapper, sprinkled on the peanut crunches, folded the edge of the wrapped in to form a rectangular pocket. I'd usually make two wraps for myself. I could eat more if not for other food I would have to leave room for. By the time I finished wrapping, Ah-ma would have brought out her delicious deep-fried vegetable balls: chucks of potatoes, carrots, peas and onions, dipped in flour mixture and deep-fried to golden brown and popping hot when Ah-ma served them to us. And the steamed chicken would have been chopped into pieces too and served with a tiny saucer of soy sauce. I usually got the leg piece, which unlike the American fancy for white meat is considered the best part of a chicken on a Chinese table.
Ah-ma passed away in 1982. In the memory of her, I am re-creating her recipes in the following.
Spring Roll Wraps
8 spring roll wrappers
1 cup of bean sprouts
1/2 cup of thin carrot strips
1/2 cup of thin cucumber strips
1/2 cup of thin dry bean curd strips
1/4 cup of chopped parsley or cilantro
1/4 cup crushed peanuts
2 tblsps sweetened soy bean paste
1 tblsp of sesame oil
dash of salt
Boil water in a big pot, blanch bean sprouts and dry bean curd strips. Toss the following each separately in some salt and sesame oil: bean sprouts, carrot strips, cucumber strips and bean curb strips, set aside. Ready-made spring roll wrappers are sold in package of a dozen or more in supermarket featuring Asian food. Take one wrapper, spread it out and brush on 1/4 tblsp of sweet soy bean paste, use 1/8 of each, bean sprouts, carrot strips, cucumber strips and dry bean curb strips, place then in the center of the wrapper, sprinkle some peanut and cilantro or parsley bits on top. Fold in the edge to form one rectangular-shaped pocket. That's one wrap. Repeat to make other wraps. Make 8 wraps.
Steamed Chicken
One whole chicken, 3 to 5 lbs.
1 tblsp of salt
2 tblsps of cooking wine
2 stems of scallion
3 or 4 slices of ginger root
Rub salt and wine all over chicken, stuff scallion and ginger slices in the cavern of the chicken. Use a large steamer and steam chicken for 30 minutes or so. Let cool and cut into pieces. Serve with a little plate of soy sauce.
Deep-fried Vegetable Balls
1 cup of carrots and peas
1/2 cup of chopped onion
1/2 cup of diced potato
1 cup of flour
1 cup of water
1 egg
1/2 tea sp of sugar
1/4 tea sp of salt
2 cups of cooking oil
Mix flour with water, add vegetables, stir in one egg, add sugar and salt, mix well. Heat oil in a deep frying pan or a wok, test oil with a dry spoon, when bubbles form around spoon, reduce to medium heat, scoop one spoonful of vegetable-flour mixture at a time, carefully drop it into the hot oil. When balls turn golden brown color, scoop them out onto a plate layered with a towel to soak up excess oil. Make a big bowl full of veggie-balls. Serve warm.
Turkey Tales and Holiday Pot Luck Dishes
It was 1985. After the spectacular fall foliage, the branches bare out in the chilly open air, and I spent my very first winter on the campus of State University of New York at Stony Brook on Long Island, New York. Winter could be cold and miserable when it rains in Taipei where I grew up but never this desolate. Animals and people hid away in their dwellings. Outdoor became the passage way between the academic buildings and the dormitory. Thanksgiving came, the campus was deserted so were most dormitories except for the graduate student's apartment complex where many international students temporarily called home. Home was too far away and too expensive to get back too just for a long weekend. Instead of families, dorm mates gathered to warm each other's spirit for a pot luck on holidays like this when homesickness is academic.
Dishes were mostly reminiscent of home cooking. Old timers, mastering the art of eastern cooking with western ingredients, brought dishes like Salty Sticky Rice, Curry Turnovers, Beef-stuffed Pancakes and Scallion Pancakes. Newcomers mostly resorted to quick solution of premixed cake, Jell-O or pudding, cheered at the sight of dishes they had been missing since their plane landed on this eastern end of the continent on this side of the Pacific Ocean. Many Thanksgivings, Christmases and New year's Eves since were spent around such pot luck table. I remembered well the flavors of and the stories behind those dishes. Stories first.
On Thanksgiving, turkey was a must though a novelty to most of us. Since every apartment in the dorm came equipped with an oven, we were tempted to experiment with this new cooking technique, baking. Turkey was a lot harder than our usual adventure with premixed packages of cake mix. One time a bachelor decided to bake his very own big bird. He followed the instructions on the packaging of the frozen bird, thawed it for several days, carefully measured the time needed to cook it, put the turkey in the oven, and set the temperature and the timer. Voila, expecting he would be enjoying his big feast when the timer alarm went off, he happily went away for a nap. Half way through the baking, the dripping fat from the bird ignited and we had a fire bird in the oven. Fortunately his roommate was around to catch the disaster and extinguish the fire before it could spread from the oven. The smoke, however, set off the smoke detector and our bachelor was waken up not by the timer alarm but by the piercing smoke alarm.
Another turkey story. In this tale, our innovative cook thought it would be nice to use rice as stuffing, picturing the turkey done with rice cooked and flavored just right inside of it. She filled the turkey cavern with uncooked rice grains and gave it an extra nudge to make sure it is stuffed tight. She put the turkey in the oven figuring it will take about three hours for the turkey and the rice to be ready. She diligently checked the thermometer every half an hour or so. After about two and a half hours, the temperature inside the turkey started to rise and the heat started to expand the soaked rice. The smell of the deliciously cooked bird permeated in the air. Our cook patiently awaited when faintly a strange sound could be heard from the oven. It was a "hoo hoo" sound and sounded like someone blowing air into a balloon. The "hoo hoo" sound gradually became more distinctive when suddenly a loud "foom" followed. Our cook opened the oven to find the turkey had exploded from the pressure created by the expanding rice, making a real mess inside the oven. Now the recipes.
Sticky Rice Stuffing
2 cups of uncooked long grain sticky rice
Soak sticky rice in water and broth in rice cooker-ready pot overnight. Heat oil in pan, brown shallots first, then stir in pork strips, mushroom strips and shrimp bits, add soy sauce and salt. Add stir-fried mixture into rice pot, stir to mix.. Add half a cup of water to rice cooker and cook rice mixture until done. Serve warm. Make eight 3/4 cup servings.
Curry Turnovers
One can of quick croissant dough (makes 8 in each can)
For the filling, heat 1 tblsp of cooking oil in pan, brown onions first, then stir in ground beef (pork, chicken), add soy sauce, cooking wine, sugar and salt and pepper, stir well to mix everything, dissolve corn starch in cold water, slower add corn starch water to beef mixture while stirring to thicken the mixture, turn off heat and set aside. For each turnover, use 1/8 of the beef filling mixture and one triangular croissant dough. Place beef filling in the center of the triangle. Fold in the two corner of the longest side, pinch on top. Fold in the third corner and pinch to close the opening. Repeat to make other turnovers. Heat oven to 400 degree Fahrenheit, bake turnovers for 10 to 12 minutes or until pastry turn golden brown. Make 8 turnovers. Serve warm.
Beef-stuffed Pancakes
One can of Country Style Biscuits (with 8 or 10 biscuits)
Mix together ground beef, scallion pieces, sesame oil, soy sauce, salt and water. Set mixture aside. For each pancake, use a rolling pin and, flatten and extend the biscuit to about 1/2 inch thick, 6 inches in diameter round shape. Make a dent in the center and the outer rim even thinner. Scoop 1/8 of the beef mixture onto the center. Fold the rim over the center and pinch together to enclose the beef filling. Use your palm to gently press down the filled biscuit to about 1 inch thick. Heat 1 tblsp of oil in pan, use medium heat, grill filled biscuit 3 minutes on each side. Repeat to make other pancakes. Make 8 to 10 pancakes. Serve warm.
Scallion Pancakes
12 flour tortillas
Use 3 tortillas for one pancake. Brush 1/2 tblsp of oil onto one side of the tortilla. Sprinkle generously scallion pieces onto the oily side. Sprinkle dash of salt for taste. Cover with a second tortilla. Brush another 1/2 tblsp of oil onto the top of the tortilla layers. Sprinkle scallions and salt. Cover with a 3rd tortilla. Heat 1 tblsp of oil in pan. Grill tortilla layers on both sides with medium heat, about two minutes each side. Repeat from start to make more pancakes. Make 4 pancakes. Serve warm.
1/2 lb. of lean pork loin meat, cut into thin strips
1/2 cup of chopped shallots
6 heads of dried shiitake mushroom, soaked and cut into thin strips
1/4 cup of dried shrimps, soaked and chopped into bits
4 tblsps of cooking oil
2 tblsps of soy sauce
1/4 teaspoon of salt
3 cups of water
1 cup of broth (chicken or vegetable)
1/4 lb. of ground beef (or pork or chicken)
1/4 cup of chopped onion
1/2 tblsp of curry powder (add more for more spicy taste, less for milder taste)
1 tblsp of cooking oil
1 tblsp of soy sauce
1/2 tblsp of sugar
1/2 tblsp of cooking wine
1/2 tblsp of corn starch
1/4 cup of cold water
dash of salt and pepper to taste
1/2 lb. ground beef
2 tblsps of chopped scallion or onion
1 tblsp of sesame oil
1 tblsp of soy sauce
1/2 cup of water
dash of salt
4 tblsps of cooking oil
8 table spoons of cooking oil
1/2 cup of chopped scallions
dashes of salt
by W.E. Chang
Michelle Sheng was nervous. After all, it was her first day of middle school, as a sixth grader. Michelle didn't know if it would be a total disaster or not. Would she make new friends? Would her old friends be in the same class as her? Would she have any friends in her classes?
As soon as Michelle got out of the car, she walked quickly to her homeroom, wondering if anybody she knew was in her homeroom. Michelle opened the door and walked in. There were name tags on the tables. Michelle looked for hers, and she saw her name. She sat down. "Hi Mariah!" Michelle greeted her friend from elementary school.
"Welcome, sixth graders, to Sierramont Middle School. And welcome back, seventh and eighth graders, to another great year! Today is Monday, September. . . ." Michelle stopped listening to the morning announcements for a second, and thought about how she was actually in middle school, where dances took place, where you had lots of teachers, different classes, where you could choose what you wanted for lunch. . . . Michelle shook her head, and started listening to the morning announcements again.
Michelle had the same teacher for periods A (Social Studies) and B (Language Arts) -- Ms. Hogan. Ms. Hogan was a big help to the sixth graders in her class. She explained some of the rules. She explained how you went to first lunch or second lunch according to your E period teachers. Ms. Hogan also explained about the rotation of schedules. Michelle thought Ms. Hogan was a cool teacher. She liked her a lot.
After B period, was break. Michelle compared schedules with her friends. Not one of her friends had all of the same classes as her. In fact, none of her friends were in Pre-Algebra with Michelle. Which meant the only person Michelle would know in Pre-Algebra would be. . . .Dork Boy!
For C period (Science), Michelle had Mrs. Green. She was pretty, with red hair and blue eyes. Mrs. Green started off by saying, "If you're only late five minutes during this first week, I won't mark you tardy. After that, I will. Now, I probably won't be the nicest teacher you ever had, but, if you choose to behave, I'll be nicer. If you choose, I can be the meanest teacher you ever had. It's up to you." Michelle agreed with what Mrs. Green said.
Lunch was after PE, because for E period, Michelle had Pre-Algebra with Ms. Miller. Ms. Miller had first lunch, which meant that Michelle would go to the first lunch to eat. To her pleasant surprise, her best friends, Amy Chang, Cindy Shaw, and Jenny Wu, all had first lunch too. Amy, Cindy, and Jenny, all were in sixth grade math, not in Pre-Algebra, which was more difficult than seventh grade math. Only "smart" kids were in it. Sometimes Michelle wished she wasn't smart. Now was one of those times. Michelle wanted to be in sixth grade math with her friends. She definitely DIDN'T want to be in Pre-Algebra -- especially if Tom was going to be there.
In E period, Michelle felt absolutely miserable. She was sitting at a table with seventh graders. Seventh and eighth graders could also be in Pre-Algebra. But if you were an eighth grader and in Pre-Algebra, that meant that you needed some help in math. Michelle knew nobody at her table. She was sitting next to a girl named Catherine. Across was Anthony. And next to Anthony was Jennifer. (She knew all this because of the sitting chart drawn on the board that showed them where their seats were.)
F period was Symphonic Band. Mr. Larson, the teacher, explained the rules quickly, and handed out music books. Then, he took role. Everyone could sit anywhere everyone wanted in their sections. As you might've guessed, Michelle's section was the flute section. Michelle sat next to her friend Christine, who just started playing flute this summer. Michelle had already played flute for two years.
The End
Michelle knew, in her heart of hearts, that she really didn't need to worry at all. But that didn't help at all. Michelle took a deep breath to calm herself. You're not even at school yet, and you're freaking big time! she told herself. Michelle was all ready for school -- except that her nerves were doing the boogie dance.
Okay, for the tenth time, you can check to see if you have everything you need in your backpack. Binder and binder paper?
"Michelle! You ready for school?" Mrs. Sheng asked.
No, Michelle thought. "Yes!" she replied in a fake, cheery voice. Michelle grabbed her backpack and ran downstairs. She had already eaten her breakfast, and was afraid she might throw up from over-reacting about the first day of sixth grade. "Here's your lunch!" Mrs. Sheng said, handing a paper bag to Michelle.
"Thanks!" she stuffed the bag in her backpack. "Let's go, Mom!"
Mrs. Sheng laughed. "I remember when it was my first day of middle school. I was just as excited and as nervous as you!"
"Yeah?" Michelle asked, curious.
"Adults were children once, you know," Mrs. Sheng said, smiling.
"Hi Michelle," Mariah replied.
Just then, Mary Ann Cheng, another old friend, walked into homeroom. Michelle realized that Mary Ann's seat was next to her! "Hey Michelle!" Mary Ann said, obviously glad to be sitting next to a person she knew.
"Hi!" There was only one person at their table that hadn't arrived yet. Erin Lewis, Michelle read on the name tag. She looked up as a pretty girl with brown almond shaped eyes, and shoulder-length black hair walked into the classroom. Could that be Erin? Michelle wondered. It wasn't.
A boy walked into the classroom with another boy Michelle hated. EW! It's Tom! Ugh! And Calvin. Yuck! Michelle wrinkled her nose.
A pretty girl with wavy red hair tied up in a ponytail, freckles, and light green eyes walked toward their table. She sat down next to Mariah. Erin! Michelle realized. "Hi," Mariah said to Erin.
"Hi," Erin replied. Mariah mouthed, I know her. She was in my summer school, to Michelle.
Well, so far, sixth grade isn't so bad after all, Michelle thought. In fact, it could get better -- right?
"Today's schedule is A, B, C, D, E, F. Sign ups for clubs will be handed out in your homeroom. Drop by the Student Store. Buy your PE clothes at Lab 3 any day this week after school. T-shirt and shorts are twenty-five dollars, sweat pants are thirteen dollars, sweaters with hoods are fifteen dollars, sweaters without hoods are thirteen dollars. Today's word of the day is implementation. I-m-p-l-e-m-e-n-t-a-t-i-o-n. . . ."
The only bad thing about being in Ms. Hogan's class, was that she arranged their seating in alphabetical order. And that meant that Michelle was sitting next to Tom Sheng. Even worse, when Ms. Hogan asked them to take out their schedules, Michelle found that Tom had all the same classes as her, at the same times too! She wanted to barf.
Mrs. Green told them what she expected of them and the punishments if her expectations weren't reached. "If I catch you chewing gum in class the first time, I'll only tell you to spit it out. The second time, detention. The third time, go to the office. . . .so don't chew gum. Is that clear?"
"Yes," the whole class answered, though Michelle suspected some didn't mean it.
For D period, Michelle had PE. They saw a slide on the expectations of the PE teachers. The teachers talked about lockers, buying PE clothes, what they were going to do in the year, etc.
"You'll get your lockers next week. Also, you won't have to dress out until next week, because you buy your PE clothes this week," Mr. Martinez, Michelle's PE teacher said. Michelle fought the urge to yawn inside the gym. She looked around.
Sixth, seventh, and eighth graders were scattered across the gym. Backpacks were everywhere. Michelle noticed some eighth graders chatting away, ignoring Mr. Miller. She saw two eighth graders looking into their compact mirrors, carefully applying make-up onto their faces. Michelle noticed a sixth-grader girl, paying close attention to Mr. Martinez. Michelle felt guilty. She should've been listening to him too. Michelle concentrated on paying attention to Mr. Martinez now.
Sitting with seventh graders made Michelle painfully shy -- not to mention nervous. Not that the seventh graders noticed -- they totally ignored her. At least she had a distraction. Ms. Miller was explaining the rules in her classroom, and what they were going to learn about that year. After what seemed like an hour, class was finally over.
"Okay, class. Settle down. Let's play number two in the book, B flat Major Scale. Slowly. One, two, three, four, and begin," Mr. Larson said. The class played the scale. It sounds okay. Not good and not bad. But it definitely needs some work, Michelle thought. Only a few people in the class were good at playing their instrument. Michelle was one of them.
Mr. Larson frowned. "Okay, but it needs some work," he said. "Can anyone show the class how they should try to play it?" he asked. Christine raised Michelle's hand. Michelle glared at her. A few other people raised their hands too. Mr. Larson glanced down at his role sheet and said, "Okay. Michelle, go ahead."
Michelle took a deep breath. She was nervous, but raised the flute to her lips and played. Not perfectly, but not bad! Michelle put her flute down, feeling good inside. She had managed to play OK under pressure! The rest of the class sped by, and Michelle was in a good mood when school was over.
I guess middle school isn't so tough! I actually got through the whole day! I may have not made any new friends yet, but hey, it's only the first day. Michelle couldn't wait until the next day. In fact, she couldn't remember why she was so nervous in the first place. Middle school was fun!
When Mrs. Sheng picked her up in the blue Sedan, Michelle started blabbing about her almost-perfect day. Mrs. Sheng smiled the whole time. "Well, I'm glad you now have a different attitude about middle school! You're lucky! My first day wasn't as good as that!"