Paradox Blog

Samantha, my two and a half year old, is enrolled in a summer preschool program. I am counting the days to the start of her first school day, not at all in anticipation of what a new experience this could be for her. I am tormented by doubts and fear: Am I pushing her into something she is not ready for? Did I make the decision solely to serve my own interest, that I can have two hours free time to myself twice a week? The director of the school had reassured me that she is ready. It is not fair to think that the director would make such evaluation only because she stands to gain monetarily. After all, it is because of her professionalism that I chose her school and hers is a popular school. She could easily fill our spot with candidates on the long waiting list. Still my emotion debates with my reason.

My head says Samantha needs to play with her peers. My heart says she's only two years old. My head says she needs to learn how to interact with others. My heart says she's only a baby. I am afraid once she goes to school she'll grow up too fast and she'll adapt to English and forget how to speak her mother tongue. We have such good rapport and bounding using our own mix of Mandarin and English. How I hate to lose that. Being an only child, she does need the school environment for her to seek out companionship and friendship of children her age. She has started showing signs and skills of socializing with her peers. She needs her own growing space. Oh, I rather cuddle her and hold her in my arms forever and ever. If only I could protect her forever and ever.

What if she does not like the school? What if she cries? I know she will cry sadly when I leave her with her teachers and playmates. I will cry even more sadly for having to do so. Bigger kids goes to the same school. What if she gets pushed by bigger kids? She is rather small in size. Being a November baby, she will be the smallest in her class for years to come unless we hold her back one year. The school provides much more input than I can give her at home. She is like a sponge soaking up information in an amazing pace. I hate to stand in the way of her development. Reluctantly, I'll just have to learn to let go.

Seventeen days till Samantha's first day at school.