Paradox Blog

Lillian feels the flush rush to her face when she sees David down the long hallway walking toward her, rehearsing what to say in her mind, "hi", "nice day", trying franticly to relax her facial muscles and putting on a natural smile. David nods at her from a distance then turns into an office on his side. Disappointed but relieved, Lillian continues down the hallway to the copy room where she was heading, passing Rick and Susan's office, where David is chatting enthusiastically with both, leaning on Rick's desk with his side to the door. Lillian glances inside, taking in the familiar silhouette of David's face, the image that has a strange effect on her ever since the first day she met him.

***

It was a chilly night with the October moon almost full brightening the deep sky with her maternal tender tone. Avoiding the traffic as usual, Lillian left the office at close to eight. There were still quite a few cars in the parking lot, the usual late working crowd. Under the lamp post, a figure not at all menacing was illuminated, not a familiar face but Lillian was not alarmed. Must be one of the new occupants of the building, the group that was recently relocated up this campus from the south site. As Lillian and the figure walked toward each other, the face on the figure emerged: a good looking face, a very prominent nose, and eyes that gazed boldly into Lillian's when they passed each other. The next day, there was a town hall for the whole building, division head welcomed the new affiliates from the south, and introduced them one by one to the rest of the crowd. "David Tom", Lillian found herself making a mental note of the name that belongs to the face she saw the night before. The face belongs to a well-groomed, slender build young man with fair skin and brownish black hair with a tail trailing over his ironed white shirt.

Late afternoon, the early birds started leaving. There was less buzz in the hall way. No more meetings, Lillian went to the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee and prepared to get some real work done before calling it a day. Jeff would pick her up at 6:30 to dinner tonight. She planned in her head: there were about two hours to work on the Japanese localization document that she should have started days before if not for all the meetings and interruptions. As she walked back to her office, she was surprised to see David looking at the name tag on the window pane next to her office door. Hearing her footsteps, David turned around and greeted her, "You must be Lillian. I am David, David Tom. Matt pointed me at your direction. You coordinate the Asian release, right?" waving the document on Japanese localization from the last release. Lillian nodded in consent. "I have something to add to this. I hope it's not too late to get it in." Lillian smiled and replied, "no, not at all, I haven't started on it for this release yet." Lillian gestured David to follow her into the office to sit down on the chair opposite to hers across her desk. As Lillian leaned over from her side to look at the document with red marks on it. She could not help but smell a light trace of cologne scent, fairly pleasant. This neatly groomed person in front of her clearly stood out from the usual crowd of casual-dressing and borderline tardy engineers whom she's used to deal with. She also noticed his thick eyebrows and light brown eyes from close up. From the comments David wanted to add to the Japanese localization document, she got a sense of what he does. He is more a marketing person than an engineer. After a few exchange of questions and answers, both parties agreed on what the final version would look like and Lillian accepted David's document onto the pile of to-do's that she was yet to compile into the new version. David thanked her with a big, childish smile and walked out. Lillian found her curiosity toward this David running amok. Turning to her computer, instead of getting right to work, she found herself staring into the screen and wondering to herself about David. He looked Asian enough except for his eyes which has a lighter tone than her own. The phone rang, waking her from her thoughts. Jeff was on the line asking her where she'd like to go for dinner. "I don't know. You pick. I picked last time." She replied. "How about Florentine's" He suggested. "Ok." She always loved Italian but was a little surprised that Jeff would suggest it. He usually likes Chinese, burgers or steak. "I'll pick you up at 6:30 in front of the lobby" Jeff confirmed.

Lillian was a bit absent-minded all through dinner. Conversation with Jeff drifted from topic to topic with Lillian's occasional comments picking up on Jeff's trailing sentences faded into the air. Jeff's existence seemed a blur compared to other patrons in the restaurant. Lillian found herself studying each one of them and finding similarities to the face in her mind. From the distance she heard from Jeff "what do you think about us getting married". Jeff's face zoomed into focus, his sincere gaze rested on her while she was caught in a pause of surprise, not from the question itself but from the timing of it, that she heard it when she was thinking about someone else. She searched for the right answer. They had been seeing each other for years. They lived in separation only because their work locations dictated it. They spent most weekends together and had dinner together at lease twice a week. They appeared as a couple in each other's social gatherings. Marriage seemed the natural progression to their current relationship. She gave the rationalized answer: "I have no objection to it." She felt guilty after saying those words. Jeff deserved a better answer than that but her heart was not in it at that very moment. Jeff did not mind at all, he proceeded to discuss what kind of a wedding would she want, if she wanted both of their folks from back home to come and attend the wedding and suggested March would be a good time since it was several months out and would coincide with a major release of the product he's currently working on. Lillian pictured herself in a wedding on the cliff of a mountain winery with the back drop of a valley full of rows and rows of grapevines. She pictured herself in a simple gown and the groom in his tux looked a lot different from Jeff. In fact it was David that she had pictured to be the groom. She felt a rush of heat to her face from guilt.

The winery had been booked. The folks had bought plane tickets to come to San Francisco for the wedding. Hotels had been booked to accommodate guests from out of town. It was going to be an April wedding because of the availability of the winery. Some close friends had been told and asked to help out in the wedding. There were the guest list to finalize, the caterer and the band to book, the wedding gown, the tuxedo, the photographers, the video cameraman ..., lots of details to take care of from then to April. Lillian was listing the coworkers she would invite: Marian, Gail, Michael and Kate, her boss and group members, Dee Dee who she had close contact with and had a good rapport with, (definitely), Kenny and Michael H., the Engineers that did the localization on their products, (maybe), and David. David? Lillian rebutted herself. Why would I want to invite him? I hardly knew him. This past Wednesday, Lillian attended a daylong seminar off campus where she happened to sit next to David who was in the same seminar and found herself lost her usual concentration and flushed when David unwittingly glanced over to her side. At lunch time, an acquaintance of David's came over to ask if David wanted to go to lunch together. David consented and turned around to ask if Lillian cared to join them. Lillian went along. David was lively and humorous at lunch. A great talker. A little picky on his food: he had changed both the bread and side dish listed on the menu for his order.

After the seminar, Lillian felt she and David had known each other a little more than before. She felt more at ease to strike up a conversation with him at the coffee room in the morning or anytime they happened to refill at the same time. With the familiarity came more curiosity. David seemed to have many interests. He's young enough and lived the life style of a single professional. He appeared to be the right-hand man to the new division head who brought over David's group from Southland. David rented a place in Palo Alto, enjoyed the trendy restaurants in downtown Palo Alto, had a dog, liked roller skating, and hold season tickets to the 49ers and the Worriers.

Jeff asked Lillian if she should move in with him at his Emilyville house, since he owned it and Lillian was only renting her South Bay apartment. Lillian dreaded the long commute down 880 to and back from work and was postponing it as further back as possible. Jeff had hinted that Lillian might want to find a job closer to Emilyville. Lillian countered that jobs were popping up more in the south bay than up north and that if and when Jeff would change job, it would more likely be down south. As the wedding day approached, the two spent most of the weekends in Jeff's place, tackling last minute changes, but went their separate ways came Monday morning.

The invitations were out and people started to come to Lillian's office to congratulate her. Some came to protest they did not get an invitation. David who was not invited got words of her pending wedding and came to give his good wishes. Lillian felt her heart sunk a bit when she had to accept his congratulations. While on the topic of marriage, Lillian asked if David was seeing someone. David replied he had a girlfriend that he went out with but they were not on the track to marriage.

The day after the final fitting of her wedding gown, Lillian found herself dazed and dreamy at work. After refilling her second cup of coffee, she drifted along the hallways and stopped in front of David's office. Seeing he was alone and engaged in the screen in front of him, she felt she had no excuse but going in. She stepped in and as soon as David noticed her presence she asked if he's free for lunch that day. David had an intrigued look on his face sensing there was more than business on Lillian's mind as he turned to his calendar before answering ''Sure". The rest of the morning floated foggily by for Lillian. She had a lot on her mind but without any clear thoughts. As lunchtime approached, she started to feel anxious. Should she call to remind David? Should she walk over to his office? Should she wait another five minutes? Amidst her indecision, David appeared at her door. With looks much too inquisitive, he asked "Shall we go?" Lillian followed David to his sports car. He opened the passenger side door first before walking to the driver's side. settling himself into the seat, he suggested the restaurant to go to. It is a place quite out of the way by a sailboat dock. Lillian was quiet all through the journey while David occasionally tried to pick a conversation or two.

After arriving at the restaurant, being seated and ordering their food, David gave Lillian a look as if to cue her to start talking. Lillian struggled to say something but instead of words she found herself flushed with uncertainty. David turned to look out at the bay and started commenting on boats. A few sailboats floating in the distance under the cool bright sunlit sky. March breezes was blowing but David and Lillian were shield in by the glass enclosure of the sunroom. The sunroom was quite full while the rest of the restaurant was only sparingly occupied. Most people enjoyed dining under the filtered sunshine by the bay. Finally David asked, "Do you have something you want to say to me?"

Lillian was not surprised but still flushed more and her head started to buzz. "I was wondering if you remembered the time we first met? It was in October."

David injected "Oh, yes. in the parking lot. I was trying to find my car. I forgot where I parked it."

He remembered, Lillian thought. Felt encouraged, she continued. "Something happened that night and its hard to explain," she paused in search for the right words.

"Are you having wedding jitters?" David commented in a soft tone.

"It probably is but I cannot explain away my feelings," Lillian replied.

"Are you trying to tell me that you had a crush on me?" said David.

Lillian looked around slightly to see if anyone was listening in on their conversation. Guests at nearby tables seemed all engaged in their own lively discussion and paying no attention to others. Feeling a bit guilty, Lillian replied in a much lowered voice, "yes."

The pause seemed a long time. The waiter brought their food. David asked him for malt vinegar for his fries. Lillian started playing with her food mindlessly. After the vinegar arrived, David probed, "what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know", Lillian answered honestly.

After taking a few bites out of his plate, David started, "A friend of mine who's married got into this period of depression over her married life and confided in me. Our friendship evolved into an affair. We were discreet about it. After a while she decided it's not worth the risk to stray anymore. She went back to her married life and we remain friends."

At first Lillian did not know what to make out of what she had heard, soon enough hidden suggestion revealed itself. She simply nodded without looking up at David while her brain swirled: Would I want an affair with him? Was that what I was after? What do I want?

The rest of the meal went quietly. David left Lillian very well alone with her thoughts until it's time to go. "It's getting late. We should head back now." he said, got hold of the bill and paid. Once in his car, David took a piece of paper and wrote his home phone number down for Lillian. "Give me a call some time," he said.

"He left it all open," Lillian thought. Alone in her apartment, Lillian stared into the phone and found no answer to her dilemma. There was the urge to call but not enough courage to carry it through. "What is your concern," Lillian scolded herself. "Wasn't you attracted to him. Don't you want to find out what it is like." "What what is like," she rebutted herself. "It is not love, at least not on his part. If it is sex that I am wondering about, well, I already know how that is." "Maybe it's different with him." "I cannot believe that you'll have such naive thoughts. Is it the cheap thrill that you are after? Is it worth the risk?" "What risk? The risk of Jeff finding out? He'll understand or would he?" "For so many years we know each other and we really know each other. There is such comfort in the relationship. What if he finds out?" "He won't find out if we are discreet about it."

For several days now Lillian had trouble sleeping though the night, with David's proposition on her mind. She knew she'll have to make a decision one way or another soon for it was torturous the way it hanged over her life. She woke from a dream and checked the clock, it was only 3:30 in the morning. She could not fall back to sleep. She tried to remember what she had dreamt that woke her up. She was flying in her dream. She had been flying in her dreams on and off since college when she first left home and went to school on the East Coast. When she found a good paying job with a big computer company in the valley, she flew. too. Flying seemed to entail a kind of freedom. But she was never flying for the joy of it, she flew to escape danger mostly. But that night, in her dream she flew over a big blue ocean and landed on an island. The ocean and the island were not places she had been to but she had seen them before. The ocean looked like Mediterranean as she imagined it to be and the island was what she imagined a Greek island would look like. They were in her mind ever since she first read the labyrinth myth of Greek mythology in college. Not much else she remembered about the mythology. She was Icarus in her dream, perfecting flying with the wings his father made him. How high could he go before the sun would melt the wax and destroy him? How far could she go before she found out she had made a mistake?

***

In the copy room, Lillian picks up her resume that she just sent over the printer, proof-reads it again and makes several copies of it. She's going to send them to the potential job openings she found on the net this morning, jobs closer to Emilyville. With only days away from their wedding, Lillian had moved in with Jeff in his Emilyville house. She hates the commute. Fortunately she will be taking a long vacation in a few days. But she makes sure she sends her resume to the potential employers following up on what she already emailed them this morning so that she can consider a move after she comes back from the honeymoon. She walks back to her office with her printouts, passes where David is chatting with other coworkers. She looks at him trying to figure out whether he had seen her email but he won't look back at her. Well, what's done is done, she said to herself. This is what she had wrote him:

Good morning David,

I've been giving our conversation last week a lot of thoughts. As tempting as the potential would be, I cannot shed the doubts I have on my own temperament to deal with the outcome. I am not going to pursue it further.

Jeff, my fiancé, and I have a long relationship. In it, the most precious bonding we have cultivated is trust and I consider it harder to earn than affection. Once I realizes that, the jitter is gone.

I hope I am not making a total fool of myself :-)

-Lillian