To Samantha
Your 2nd birthday has come and gone, so has the birthday preparation and celebration. Now I have no excuse but to face the question I failed to answer for the past two years. Do I want to go back to work? For two years when friends and acquaintances asked me do I plan to go back to work? I answered them, wait till you are two for you needed me to be your hands and voice the first two years. For two years, I watched you assert your independence a little more each day and learn to express your needs and feelings better and in more words. You are now a friendly and expressive two-year old ready to mingle with your peers. The truth is you do not need me less but I need to learn to let go. You may not need me to carry you around all the time but you still need plenty of hugs and a pair of watchful eyes to steer you away from dangers. You may find playmates more fun to be with than tagging along with me when I do chores or run errands, but you still enjoy our story times together. I enjoy being with you so much that all my past goals and ambitions have taken the back seat to full-time motherhood. Being your mother is the proudest and sweetest thing I've ever experienced, enough to derail my pursuit of my own dreams because I am happy just being your mom.
Why do I have to work? Why can't I enjoy motherhood wholeheartedly and unadulteratedly? Well, my heart is full but my mind is empty. Taking a two-year time off had relaxed not only my body but my mind as well. Not only did I put on pounds from inactiveness but my wits dulled and my language skill retarded. Not that I don't enjoy the giggles and goo-goo's and making up nonsense words in a conversation with you, or the hugging, the cuddling while watching Sesame Streets TV with you or reading you your favorite stories. Those sweet moments made up the most of the past two years. But not every moment can be remembered with a smile. When your are fussy and I lost my patience or when I am tired and cannot give you the full attention you wanted, my frustration surfaces and I need something else to hang on to, something to affirm me as an individual. I am not just your mother. Long before you were born, I had wanted to be someone and do something. In fact, I have not at all thought about being a mother when I was young. I thought about owning my own shop. I thought about writing a romance novel. I thought about being famous but never a mom. Being your mom came naturally and I love it. Being all those other things takes time and hard work and discipline. I am frustrated because I have not put in the time nor the work and discipline needed to be that someone. As hard as it may be, I have to do it. For I want you to have a chance to reach your full potential and to explore the world on your own term as an independent woman with independent means. How can I persuade you better than show you by example.
For the past two years I have entertained various ideas of working at home, with the main objective to be close to you if and when I work. I knew it in my heart that my priority had long changed. I am no longer the competitive young woman who would dwell in cubicles and work long hours climbing the corporate ladder. I am now a proud mother approaching her fortieth who enjoy watching you grow more than anything else. Working at home is not easy. A day easily passes without accomplishing much. There are loads of laundry to do, meals to prepare and of course there are your little nudges for stories or picture drawing. There are also errands to run and groceries to buy. The projects I've planned out to do a year ago have not expanded from the outline phase. I must admit working at home is harder than I expected. The hardest part is discipline. There are too many distractions and not enough motivation. Even the quarterly deadline of updating this web site slipped twice in the past two years. I realize now choosing not to go back to the corporate world means I have to put in extra effort managing my time and paving my own road. The effort is worthwhile when you call for me and run to me after you nap time and I am there with open arms to catch you.
It is an easy choice to make though I am taking a tougher route to fulfill my dream. To ease the heart's burden takes the hard exercise of the mind. For you, Samantha, I will work harder than ever to first be your mom and then be the independent woman that you'd be proud of. There is no time frame nor financial burden to push me but your ever curious mind absorbing every movement I make. No expectation to guide me but your well being and my promise to you to live by examples. No goal to reach but following my heart and being the perfect mother you deserve. It's a tough assignment I am giving myself and I gladly accept the challenge.