Paradox Blog

It took me and my husband ten years to go ahead and have our first child. Ours was purely a life-style decision. There never seemed to be a right time for both of us to make this commitment. At first, we were not financially secured as students. After that we were both reaping the payoff of our education and did not want to slow down. Then I reached thirty-four. The idea that I would soon be out of the normal child-bearing age range sounded an alarm inside me. I began to think seriously whether I want to raise a child. I did not really reach any conclusion. Like many other things in life, we decided to let nature take its course and were granted a baby daughter a year and half later.

Believe it or not, among my classmates from college now living in Bay Area, half of us do not yet have children. There are seven of us. Six of us are married. There are many reasons why a couple remain childless. Each of them personal. Some do not see themselves as parents. Others may have problem conceiving. Whatever the reason, it's a decision that can only be made between the potential parents. But how many of us have been confronted with the question "when are you going to have children" once we got married. Not only do our parents and in-laws think they have a say in this, sometimes mere acquaintance would pry on the subject too. It is beyond annoying when you yourself have pondered on the same question many times but can't find the right answer. I sure am glad now I have a definite answer to their question. But I know I am not out of the woods yet. The same group of people that intruded on our privacy the first time would sure follow up with the question "when are you going to have another?" Their reasons being, children need companion, what better companion than a sibling, or now that you have a girl, don't you want a boy to make a perfect pair.

A sibling for my baby girl. My baby is only two months old. The pain of child-birth is still fresh and I have my hands full as a new mom to qualify for taking care of another child. It's too early to think about that. Though not to my gynecologist, who had warned me if I want another child I better do it sooner as time is working against me. Many of my friends from the same age group are facing the same question, we either have only one child or have two of the same sex and are thinking it would be nice to have another child, especially if it is of a different sex from the one we have right now. As time ticks on, we weigh and measure, wondering do we want to repeat the sleepless nights when we got up almost every hour all through our baby's first month to attend to her shrieks and screams, or the clumsiness we felt during pregnancy, or staying off caffeine for another nine months, or the weight gain, or the retaining of water, let alone doubling the enormity of responsibility we already took on for simply being a parent.

I am looking forward to the things I can do with my daughter, to dress he up and take her to a Nutcracker ballet for Thanksgiving, to show her the splendid Pacific ocean off California's coast, or simply to take her hand and window shop in a mall. I am looking forward to seeing the world through her eyes, to learn English all over again, to be excited about Christmas, to experience the American culture for the twenty-four years I missed out. But I am also worried and fearful for her. I am afraid that I am not adequate to cope with the problems she may face growing up, as I did not grow up here in this culture. I am totally ignorant about the school systems she will be entering. I can't help but be paranoid about the news about child abduction, child molestation, teenage drug-use, random act of killings blasted out on TV everyday. The world seems much more dangerous for her than when we grew up.

Raising a child is at least an eighteen-year commitment. Until you send her off to college, she is under your care and supervision, need your constant attention and guidance. Since the birth of our daughter, our so-call life has become secondary consideration. Every arrangement we made had been around her eating and sleeping schedule. Her demands on us now in her infancy is merely to eat well and sleep enough. Soon enough we will be worrying about her education, then her dating. We want her to feel all the love she can have from us but we don't want her to be spoiled such that she cannot be reasonable among peers. We want her to have a good education and have the skills to live independently when she grows up but we don't want to stifle her artistic inclinations. We want her to fulfill her dreams but we don't want her to suffer as a starving artist when we can no longer provide for her. We want her to be an independent thinker at the same time we want to provide enough guidance so that she won't stray off the course of life to irrecoverable chasm.

It has been a while since we last dine out in a restaurant. It will be quite some time before we go to another concert. Our house will stay a mess for the foreseeable future. I have to put off my regular lunch outings with my lunch pal indefinitely. We have been trained to go through our meals in ten minutes. Sometimes we finish the whole meal standing up. If you ask me what's my plan for the future. Well, I will be raising my daughter for the next eighteen years.