Paradox Blog

Toward the end of my pregnancy, things began to get real and serious. As much as we may have imagined the wonder of child birth, we started to see the grim side of it in our Child-birth Preparation class when they showed us videos of real child birth scenes. As the name of the class indicated, we got prepared mentally in this class for the worst. Along side the possibility of any clinical complication, we got a dose of reality when we watched tapes of real persons giving birth up close and in details. It was still a little shocking to look at someone else's vagina in a video even in the context of such glorifying theme of giving birth. It was even more gross to see that not only are you pushing a child out of your body, you are also pushing whatever body fluid out at the same time.

Before you'd only hear the positive side of it. How magical the moment of birth is. How much in awe you are when you hold the warm body of your child in your arms for the very first time. They are all true. However, from the moment the contraction starts, you are in for the once in a life time ordeal. For those that gave birth many times, I can only say, I admire your courage and strength. It was like a battle, you against the pain. It was a real fight and it was a really long fight.

The pain was not unbearable at first. With the onslaught of each contraction, you wore off a little. The progress of your labor is measured by how much you dilated in your cervix area. You are counting on each contraction to bring you closer to a fully dilated cervix, so for each contraction, big or small, you grin and bear it. If this is your very first birth, the reality is hours pass, numerous contractions later, you may have only progressed for one or two centimeters. In my case, twelve hours into labor, with many intense contractions, I was measured for about five centimeters dilated, only half way there. Exhausted and beaten down, with the prospect of maybe another six or eight hours or even longer fight ahead, I had to be realistic. As much as I wanted a natural birth, I have to find some relief.

The epidural block was what I turned to. The promise of an epidural is that you won't feel the pain of the contraction thus can reserve your energy for the final stage of pushing. Even the shot of an epidural block was not nice and easy. You have to hold absolutely still while the anesthesiologist administer the shot into your spine. Chances are you will have a contraction while the shot is given. The few minutes' duration of the shot can seem like a life time, if you have to hold still through a contraction. The epidural block indeed had delivered what it promised. I was in Euphoria for about seven hours or so until the nurse announced I was fully dilated and ready to give birth. Propped into an awkward position and coached by the nurse, I pushed with everything I got and was pushing out everything I got. For what it was worth, I had my baby.

All through the process, I was so much engaged and too tired to care. I had to admit, I would not otherwise have done what I had done for giving birth. Never in my life would I even imagine having a bowel movement in the plain view of another person. Being a mom, at that very moment, was not about raising children, nor about responsibility, but about putting down the shred of pretense, air, dignity left in you to pave the passage way for a child. No wonder, one would do anything for her child. She had already done the unthinkable. She had bared, bled, defecated in front of others. Here you have it, what nobody else told you, the horrible side of giving birth.