Paradox Blog

Detection

I had a bad case of ulcerous wound in the back of my mouth for over two months. Finally I ran out excuses not to see a doctor. "It should be routine. There is nothing to worry about," I confidently assured my wife. After the doctor inspected the wound, he did a biopsy for me. I was totally unprepared for the possibility of cancer. I was very unsettled, not for long. Very soon, the thought was pushed behind my mind because I really believed it was too unlikely. Later I casually mentioned the biopsy to my wife.

The next day, we set off for our trip to Mexico. It was a nice week by the ocean under the warm sub-tropical sun. I had myself totally immersed in the time off without much thought of the biopsy. My wife, however, was more worried. Anyway we had a good time.

Coming home, dropping the bags in the living room, we saw two messages on our answering machine. They were from my doctor. "The tests are positive," as I heard my doctor said. My heart froze. My mind went blank. I remembered my head spun and my mind refused to comprehend what those simple words meant. I would deny what I heard. The distress and terror were simply beyond words; I felt it was my death sentence. My body went numb. All the joy from the vacation were gone. I broke down and cried. I remembered I said to my wife, "I shall be immensely happy if we could be together for just another year ...."

Very soon, the doctor organized a series of tests for me. The tumor was pretty extensive, and had spread to the neighboring lymph node. It was a late stage cancer. I was angry and sad.

Treatment

After the shock at the discovery of cancer, my wife quickly settled down her nerve and started researching the latest treatment methods as well as setting up a to-do list. She was a tremendously brave woman. Rather than spending the days in panic, she busily organized all the details into a folder and made preparations - second opinion, research institutes, experimental drugs, support groups etc. I felt we were like soldiers readying for our last measure breakout from death. The preparation had me fully occupied and distracted from my fears.

Surgery would be too traumatic. The doctor advised me to go through chemotherapy, followed by concomitant chemotherapy and radiation therapy, or surgery followed by radiation therapy, depending on my response to the initial chemotherapy. So I went through two sessions of chemotherapy. The drug seemed to work wonders in me. The doctor concluded that my response was beyond expectation. I was real elated. The first time in two months I felt there was hope. All the suppressed emotions now coming out. As I reported the good news to my family and friends, my tears were rolling.

Honestly, the first two sessions of chemotherapy did not cause too much discomfort in me. It had me doubted the kind of report of how painful the treatment was. But the following concomitant chemotherapy and radiation therapy immediately changed all my impression. It had my mouth and throat totally covered with sores and badly swollen. The radiation was like incessant pelting that slowly carve away my body and spirit. The side effect reactions to chemotherapy became a lot more severe. My energy plummeted. From the day I had my fourth chemotherapy on to the end of the treatment, because of the pain and swelling in the throat I was reduced to either no speech or little speech. It was almost beyond what I could tolerate. Time seemed standing still as pain was standing still. My mind was so weak that passing days were merely perceived as alternation between light and darkness. And I discovered how awful to have my soul trapped in a silent body - thousands of words for my wife yet I could only look at her without saying a word. I was in an invisible dark cage. My friend termed it as my 'private hell'.

Healing

Eventually the treatment was over. It was a tremendous relief. I was really proud of myself to make it all the way through. What helped me through was the thought, "Eventually everything will become a past." Mind you, it was a double sword.

The healing was going quite a bit slower than I anticipated. Nonetheless my body was getting better everyday. I learnt to keep my mind like a child - do not think about the past, keep it focussed only on now. Gradually the memory of the awful days faded. All I thought about was the fresh day ahead of me - blue sky, birds chirping, PBS programs, reading, afternoon nap, dinner cooking, hugging my wife. Every new day in the healing was more or less the same actually. But it was the familiarity that made me feel so good about. May be only the people who get the second chance can understand how wonderful it is that we wake up and see the same familiar everyone and everything appear one more time in our eyes.